Amish Suicide Bomber’s Attack Fails

Extremist’s Refusal to Use Electricity Leaves Him Struggling to Ignite Bomb with a Match

Lancaster County, PA – January 20, 2025

In what authorities are calling an “unprecedented case of religious extremism meeting technical limitations,” an attempted suicide bombing by an Amish extremist failed spectacularly after the perpetrator’s refusal to use electricity left him struggling to manually ignite the device with a match.

The suspect, identified as 32-year-old Josiah Yoder, is a member of a radical splinter group of the Amish known as the Old Order Righteous Purists, a sect that believes anyone outside their strict interpretation of Amish doctrine is inherently wicked. Law enforcement officials say Yoder had planned to target a nearby town market in an act of divine retribution against “outsiders, English speakers, and users of indoor plumbing.”

Witnesses say Yoder arrived at the market in a horse-drawn buggy carrying a wooden crate filled with homemade explosives crafted from black powder and farm-grade fertilizer. Eschewing modern technology, the would-be bomber attempted to ignite the device with a single match, only for the wind to repeatedly blow it out.

“He just kept striking match after match,” said market vendor Ethan Calloway. “People started gathering around because we thought he was trying to light a lantern or something. But then he started cursing—real Old Testament-style—and throwing matches at the bomb, which, of course, didn’t do anything.”

After several failed attempts, Yoder reportedly tried using a candle, only to realize he had also sworn off paraffin wax as “the work of the Devil.” Frustrated, he turned to his backup plan—using the friction from rubbing two sticks together.

Police arrived to find Yoder drenched in sweat, furiously rubbing sticks together next to the undetonated bomb. “We didn’t even have to subdue him,” said Sheriff Bill Harkins. “By the time we got there, he was out of breath, muttering about how ‘Satan controls the wind,’ and he just gave up.”

Officials safely removed the crate, later confirming that even if Yoder had succeeded in lighting the fuse, the bomb would have been largely ineffective. “He didn’t use any wires or timers—just a really long wick,” said explosives expert Daniel Reynolds.

The Old Order Righteous Purists, described as an ultra-strict offshoot of traditional Amish beliefs, have long rejected not only electricity but also any technology invented after the 17th century. According to researchers, members of the sect believe that all non-Amish individuals—and even mainstream Amish communities—are corrupt and must be “cleansed.”

“This is not representative of the broader Amish community, who are peaceful people,” said religious scholar Dr. Miriam Fischer. “This sect is extreme even by Amish standards. They believe butter churns with metal parts are sinful, and they consider zippers to be a tool of the Devil.”